You heard it here first, in a popular music scene ravaged by auto-tune, EMD and rappers like Desiigner and Chance the Rapper – there’s no space for rock’n’roll any more.

The Box used to be a place for drinking, for political discussion and debate, for rock’n’roll and sweat.

It can no longer survive as such an enterprise. We’ve seen a shift in cultural trends, attitudes, ideas and beliefs – we know that we either have to move with the times drift forever lost, or until we can’t afford the rent anymore.

Change-is-comingThe old saying goes that ‘you have to spend money, to make money’. I know business strategy is the last thing the readers of this blog would expect, but we feel that in this case it’s a relevant topic of conversation considering the amount of radical changes that we are about to make to your beloved venue.


Things That Will Be Changing

All Staff Will Be Retrained

For a long time, we have relied on the trusty reliability of Rod and his wife to serve the bar at the Box. However, after nearly two decades of service, it has become apparent that Rod’s business strategies might have become a little outdated. We are not looking to replace or lose any current staff members though, we understand that our staff are part of the reason why our customers love the Box so much.

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We are electing, instead, to  radically retrain our entire staff. Everyone from the glass collectors to Rod himself will get a crash course in the basics of Customer Service and Stock Management, to ensure that we do not run in to the same problems that we have had in the past.


The Bar Will Be Refurbished 

With the the decor remaining largely the same for the past 30 years, we’ve decided that it’s time for a change of scenery! The Box has been a very dark space, for much of it’s time open, and we’re looking to change that. By installing large, floor-to-ceiling mirrors as well as brand new furniture – we’re hoping to update our look to something a little more modern and spacious. Obviously, The Box will retain it’s signature charm, everything will just feel a little…cleaner.

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With brand new leather upholstery, hardened yet stylish glassware and freshly laid tile-floors – we are hoping to attract new customers, on top of our loyal clientele, to breathe new life back into the old place.


Heritage Graffiti Will Be Immortalised And Covered 

So many wonderful memories and moments have been shared on the walls of our hallowed drinking hole, however the quantity of individual graffiti marks have increased and the quality of the artwork has significantly decreased. We would not be so bold as to simply deny the importance of the names and dates scrawled on our walls, so we’ve hired professional photographers to capture all of them, before they’re painted over with anti-graffiti spray paint.

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Graphic artists will then take these photos, isolate and scan the most iconic pieces of art and reproduce the results in the eye-catching form of our new Food Menu!


No More Regular Live Rock Music 

Although Punk and Rock’n’Roll music have been our bread and butter for the entirety of our time open, there has come a time to face facts. People don’t want to watch live music anymore. They would rather download their music illegally or pay a multi-national corporation £120 a year to ‘stream’ it. The last thing they would want to do is pay a fiver to get into a dingy hole in Glasgow, to watch a tribute act comprised of old men, playing music from a band that all died 15 years ago.

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Rock is dead, the only live music that punters can bear listening to now is acoustic covers of classic pop songs and current chart hits. In Glasgow alone there are over 300 performers currently rehearsing and practicing this sub-genre of music, they’re all desperate to play gigs for free and they will always bring at least 15 supporters along.


Men’s Dress Code: Shoes, Black Trousers, Shirt

This last point has been left until last as we know how divisive it will be. We’ve decided to introduce a dress code for The Box, for the first time ever. It may be seen as an outdated form of elitism, but we’ve decided that it’s what the venue needs to raise the standard of the clientele and their behaviour. For decades we have been open and for decades we have struggled with drug-use and the violence that follows it.

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With our male clientele dressed smartly, and our staff also following suit, we are hoping to foster a new sense of pride in our appearance and behaviour, which should make The Box a more enticing venue for old and new customers a like.

Yo yo! Glasgow Box is all new and all back and all good yo. As any of you who are in any way connected with the Box will know there has been quite a few changes around here recently, quite a few indeed! Gone is all the boring dark goth shit! Gone is the boring white rock bull shit! This place is new, young, cool and fucking right on.

Yes bruv! This is for real. Hold on to your hats people of Glasgow, because the new Box is going to be hot. Kerching!

As our name suggests ‘The Box’ is not the largest of spaces. When the places is a rocking and the floor is full it can feel a little like the ceilings coming down and the walls are slowly moving in. A bit like that bit in Star Wars when Luke and Han and Lea and Cheewie jump down that there garbage shoot to get away from the storm troopers and then they are stuck in there when suddenly Luke gets dragged under the water by some sort of alien squid monster that is somehow in the Death Star. How is that squid monster in the Death Star? I mean, the Death Star was a mass construction project that had many troubles along the way, was partially constructed by enslaved Wookies, and had bits and pieces brought to it from all over the universe. But how did this giant squid get on board? Did it sneak on in a ship or something? How can this thing get on board with such ease when it took a team of Jedi’s and a space cowboy such a lot of effort? What, did the squid pose as a storm trooper? Unless of course it has somehow been there from the point of construction, but it certainly hasn’t been in that particular trash compactor since construction considering the fact that everything inside it is compacted at least once, I assume, every  24 hours.

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So yeah, can’t figure that out. But what makes that scene reminiscent of the box on a busy night is less the bit with the trash squid monster  and more the bit when the walls start moving in to crush everybody. Because that’s how it feels. And when it feels like that, it gets hot. 

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So on the re-design we just wanted to try a way of cooling the space down with out opening it up any more than necessary. So we settled on getting a few bloody massive Beatson extractor fans fitted along the walls. These things are insane, trust me they are going to work. The key with extractor fans is, as you might imagine, that they are designed to extract. To extract fumes or smells or gases or whatever out of environments that have those things. But what we really want to do is bring cool air in, and that’s something they can also do if you just switch them round. standard_industrial_wall_extractor_fan

Also they look pretty bloody cool. It’s awesome man, and know when everyone is rammed in we keep the atmosphere and all those things but we don’t have people passing out from the heat. Result!

 

We who are part of the live music community in Glasgow should feel incredibly grateful and honoured.  To have assess to such a world of music, community and revelry is a privilege we should not take lightly, it is a privilege that many city dwellers in many other cities around the UK do not have any more, or at least have a lot less of. Around the country live music is floundering at the lower level of local, unsigned bands despite the higher end only getting bigger and bigger. Revenues for stadium tours keep growing and London’s o2 arena is the most popular music venue in the world regularly posting above £60 million in annual profits. That’s £60 million leaving the live music industry into the pockets of investors (and, to be fair, 15% to the tax payer) because people want to see the idols they praise on the instagram and on the front pages in the flesh, from half a mile away, for £100.

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For many of the people who go to such events the reasons they have for doing so have no bearing on a reason one might go to a smaller venue to see local, unsigned bands from their local music scene. You don’t get glitter and glamour in some dingy club where a bunch of 17 year old’s are struggling to string together a two and a half minute song on out of tune instruments. You don’t get to tell all your friends that you saw a god, you don’t get to tweet about it and blow the world away, it is a thing which actually has to have value in and of itself. A rare thing.

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We really are lucky here in Glasgow. Whilst obviously many of us involved in the scene would credit not ‘luck’ but the tirelessly hard work of, well, of us. Glasgow is a big place, but it operates a massive pull for young bands and has a string of committed and thriving small venues. It’s a fantastic asset for the city.

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Long may it thrive.

 

 

 

Well, that’s it for now folks! The Box is closing it’s doors for a couple of months for a complete re-do of the place. We are talking a whole lot more than a lick of paint folks. We are after a big change, big, big change. This is real change! Change that exists! NO MORE LIES!
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Bullshit!

I remember the day he got elected. I sta ed up all night and watched it. I watched the votes pouring in, the people crying with joy, the victory speech. And you know what? I bought it. Hook. Line. Sinker. I believed. The electric seeped through my veins and it felt it good. It felt amazing. For one moment there was a sense of unity and togetherness. We live in a world of such division and alienation that all we can really get is these brief illusions of unity. These moments of consensus that ‘dissolve on contact with air’ (Stewart Lee). Once every four years people (if they are lucky) get to feel like they might actually be part of something. In between such moments we can only really hope for sport, alcohol, drugs, maybe non-alienating sex, and tiny moments on a tiny scale. No wonder we throw ourselves into the arms of anyone who says we are worthy and united. In a world with no world and no unity, an illusion is almost worth investing in.
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But that’s not all we’re investing in here at The Box. We’re getting a new pool table! Which is really awesome cool. We’re redoing the whole bar in a white and neon style with a neon clock to match. We’re going to have a new sound system which is going to ROCK YOUR WORLD and we want to rock your world. In fact, it’s our freeking job!

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And box will be back and stronger than ever don’t you worry. We got this!

 

People need to get to Glasgow. Glasgow needs people! I mean, it is not like we are low on people here, we have a lot of people, and some of them don’t suck! We have people who want to get fucked up and scream and people who want to burn down the club and smash their way home and that is all great. We have people who want to make something new and fiery and bold and dangerous. We have people who have something to say and are absolutely determined to say it. We have people with new voices and new sounds, with new things to scream and yell and a new way to scream and yell those things. And that is great. We have got punks. We have got rockers. We have got goths and emo’s. We have chavs and nutters and ravers and fighters. We have drinkers and drug takers and trippers and drongos.  We’ve even got posh knobs, but they don’t completely ruin the place.

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We’ve got good folk, but Glasgow has got to be more of a destination. It has to be a place people come to let loose and make some madness.  There are obstacles, I hat picking people up from Glasgow airport, for instance, because of the completely inordinately expensive parking charges they operate there. I’d rather pick someone up from  Edinburgh to be honest, at least they have Edinburgh airport parking comparison installed there so you can actually afford to leave your car alone for 5 minutes.

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Nailed it.

I would happily bus people in from the airport myself if it meant pilling Glasgow with interesting people, so come on! Come in! Interesting people lets go! Get to Glasgow and get involved!

I really hope you do, we’ve got something here for everyone. It’s time you enjoyed it too.

I’m bored Glasgow. I’m bored of a lot of the shit we are being fed these days. I’m sick of how bloody clever everything is trying to be. Or dumb. Everything is either dumb and meaningless or to clever for ‘meaning’. Well too shit with all of that. What ever happened to rage? What ever happened to pain? What ever happened to bleeding and crying? Stamping and screaming? F**K INTERESTING.

Who cares if a band are interesting? Oh really their re-interpretation of Peruvian drum rhythms on the harp bring a whole new perspective to the study of post-industrialization in northern Turkmenistan? Oh wow! Please let me readjust my sandals so that I can more accurately shuffle and stroke my stupid beard BUNCH OF TWATS I HATE THEM I HATE THEM I HATE THEM JESUS CHRIST!
Jesus giving middle finger

That’s not to say that there is nothing out there. That it’s all the music from Twin Peaks played on vases or abstract soundscapes of gurgling sewage pipes that comment on our disposable culture, or a three hour autobiographical clog tapping performance or whatever. Fine. Fine. Whatever. Fine. Maybe interesting is the highest goal. But maybe we’re all trying so desperate to be interesting because we’ve been automated out of our emotional selves  by a constant stream of bile and crap. Many of our media landscapes can either deliver interest or the shallowest nonsense ice cream soft cell bull sh*t nothingness.

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…F**K OFF

This bile. This bile we pour down the gasping willing throats of our young and vulnerable. We feed them shallow meaningless crap. If you feed a baby cotton candy for all its life it will die. It will starve and crave nutrients, it will open its mouth and its eyes and its heart and beg the world for something that it can live off. And if nothing else is available but cotton candy it will die, it will eat and eat and eat until it is sick and pale and twisted. Then it will push the cotton candy away and cruel to some edge and if its lucky enough to make it there it will pull itself over and let the cold concrete finally end the suffering. If it is unlucky it dies a slow death. A death born of a world that no longer gives a sh*t.

Well here at Bands of Xtreme we give a sh*t.

And we intend to show you.